Waiting

These are the end days. We're waiting on Tucker's death. He is happy. He doesn't appear to be in pain. He is engaged. It's very bizarre to wait on a 'certain' death.

I'm struck by how surreal it is when you know (with fair certainty) that there are only a few days (or even a couple of weeks) left.

I'm a planner. I like it when things are neat, arranged, finished. I take great pride in completing tasks - checking off lists. How do I sit with the uncertainty? How do I not know when?

Every moment is precious ... it may be my last with him. And, yet, I have other dogs, a job, a home, a wonderful husband, friends. They all need and want my attention. Who am I kidding, I want my attention again. How do I wait?

I don't know how you do this. I don't know how people do this when it is someone they love.

I'm caught in the not knowing.

Meditation helps. Fleeting moments of just sitting with what is. No denial, no hope - just is.

I want to be present. I'm afraid that I'll have to leave to go back to Florida to put my mom in the memory care unit, that I will leave and he will die. I won't be there. It is my greatest wish to be there with him. He has been there for me. I want to be there for him.


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