Waiting

These are the end days. We're waiting on Tucker's death. He is happy. He doesn't appear to be in pain. He is engaged. It's very bizarre to wait on a 'certain' death.

I'm struck by how surreal it is when you know (with fair certainty) that there are only a few days (or even a couple of weeks) left.

I'm a planner. I like it when things are neat, arranged, finished. I take great pride in completing tasks - checking off lists. How do I sit with the uncertainty? How do I not know when?

Every moment is precious ... it may be my last with him. And, yet, I have other dogs, a job, a home, a wonderful husband, friends. They all need and want my attention. Who am I kidding, I want my attention again. How do I wait?

I don't know how you do this. I don't know how people do this when it is someone they love.

I'm caught in the not knowing.

Meditation helps. Fleeting moments of just sitting with what is. No denial, no hope - just is.

I want to be present. I'm afraid that I'll have to leave to go back to Florida to put my mom in the memory care unit, that I will leave and he will die. I won't be there. It is my greatest wish to be there with him. He has been there for me. I want to be there for him.


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Bittersweet

It's a bittersweet Christmas this year. Diamond is gone, Tucker (while doing great) has cancer and I'm just 'done' and need a break. I've been reading Switch (a book) and the authors state that humans are programmer to focus on the negative. It was probably evolutionarily a good thing but I'm having a hard time focusing on the blessings this year.


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Agility

I had a great time with Spirit tonight at agility. (www.divinek9.com) We are starting to 'gel' as a team. It feels great.

It has taken a really long time to get here. I started out with a different handling system. When I changed over, I had to get clear so that the two of us could be clear. That clarity feels as though it has taken long time since I so rarely practice. But, now that I'm clearer, Spirit has an opportunity to shine. And, she does. I feel incredibly blessed to have such a talented dog as my partner.


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Mysticism

Reading Jon Katz' review of his new book (http://www.bedlamfarm.com/blog/2010/10/07/writers-life-rationality-vs-mysticism/) and thinking about how much we project on our dogs. I do agree that my canine companions are guides to me. However, I'm not sure that it says as much about them as it does about me.

It's a curious phenomena that I am so hungry for mysticism and spirit in my life that the 'place' where I project it is onto my dogs. It's natural in some ways - we feel so lacking in our connection to the Earth and dogs are so much more connected. However, it's a curious place to focus our connection - on these beings who are so symbiotic with us.

It's also a large burden for beings who may have come to us just because we provided an easy meal. And, that seems to be the heart of some essential conflict in our lives. We find Spirit outside ourselves, no longer view ourselves as connected, as worthy on our own.

Yesterday's article on how the head of the Southern Baptist Convention stated that yoga isn't 'Christian.'. Oh, my. It seems to me that Spirit and connection are where we find them. And, grand pronouncements that 'this' is worthy of connection and 'that' is not just leave me cold and angry and, to be honest, disappointed.

There's a part of my life that is just that small too. I know it's there because of the way that I felt so angry about this. And,if yoga isn't a worthy path I'm quite sure my dogs aren't either.




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Chemotherapy - Round 2

This morning Tucker and I are at Red Bank Veterinary for his second chemotherapy treatment. The first round was very, very difficult for him. At times it left us wondering if this was the right path, if we should just let him go. But, he had some really, really good days after the nausea and lethargy were over. So, here we are again.

It appears they might lower the dose this time - that is good.

It's a struggle for me to remember that this is about quality of life. When he has good days, I want to 'forget' that he has cancer. I want to think that this is going away. But, it isn't.

My commitment to myself during this process is to be present with it and to not try to distract myself from what is real. It's hard. There are days when I am more successful than others. I find it hardest when he is happy and well. I go slipping back into my comfortable dream that has this particular dog in my life for the long term, forever.

There have been so, so many changes in my life during the 9 years he has been here. I don't even know who I'll be without this 'being' In my life.




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Location:Hance Ave,Tinton Falls,United States

Spirit

It must be difficult for them ... walking with t wo-leggeds in the woods. She spins around and around me - a flash of gold through the trees. She must walk ten times (at least) as far as I do. She stops and waits when ever I amout of sight. Does she ever long for the freedom to just run unfettered? To not have to wait on this slower two legged.

I don't take for granted that she checks in with me. It's a gift we both built through out relationship and with hard word, the desire to do what is asked (on her part), and impulse control. It's a precious gift and I don't want to lose it.

Walking Away from the Old Year

It’s such a blessing to walk with my older dog. Like old friends, we can relax with one another in a way that is based on many miles logged together.

Today was no exception. After Tucker and I got into the woods, it became a ‘sniff walk’ for him. I think it’s Turid Rugaas who talks about giving dogs the opportunity to ‘sniff’ as a way to dissipate stress and use up excess doggy energy.

I think that we stopped at every vertical surface in the woods. Some were more carefully inspected than others but all received at least a cursory sniff. It was so relaxing to stand next to my dog. While his nose entertained him my eyes took in the silver branches against the bright blue sky.

Who ever thought I’d have this delightful experience with my reactive Aussie?

One of my biggest lessons with Tucker has been to allow him to relax. He’s a real home-body; who knew a dog could be an introvert? When I stopped pushing him to be an agility dog and just let him be, our lives changed and we began to enjoy each other. Letting him relax changed our lives. We became friends.

You’ll notice that I’m not trying to be the pack leader in this moment. Oh, I know ‘how’ and I can be that leader when that’s the role I need to take; but, at this moment, our relationship is based on pure shared experience built on time and mutual respect. Learning to listen to my dog was so hard for me. I thought that he should be who I wanted. His gift to me has been learning what a delight he is when I get my expectations out of the way and, as a result, what a delight our lives can be together.

As I walk away from the gifts and learnings of 2007 I want to remember that I don’t always have to be in control. I want to remember Tucker’s gift – when I can choose to let go of my expectations there’s a world of wonder out there.