This was very obvious this weekend as I was moving my mom into memory care. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. All my training in geriatric care and dealing with emotions didn't prepare me for the feeling that I was abandoning her and that I should be caring for her myself. (So much for all those years of therapy and learning to 'individuate.'. I know that my caring for her isn't an option; we haven't lived together for the last 37 years and have seen each other maybe twice a year during that period. And, we can't be in the same room together for more than a few hours until we are both ready to leave. I have exactly no caretaker genes in my being. But, there is something so visceral about the imperative to care for my parents. It amazed me and terrified me at the same time.
I remember being 18 and planning to leave home to go to Colorado for the summer. My mom got really sick the entire year before the trip - all during the planning. She got so ill that she didn't even get out of bed and my dad relied on me to take care of her, of the house, of my sister. I became so stressed I'd wake up at night with hives.
Shocker for me, the week after I left she was up and fine. Yet another version of, "Don't abandon me...".
It was back this week. It has to be some really old, incredibly neurally encoded piece of emotion - so far below consciousness that I didn't even know it was still there.
So, how does this relate to my dogs?
I am so attached to my dogs that I really wish they had been here with me. It would have given us something more comfortable to focus on. I also think that they help calm me - all that research on the impact of petting a dog just is so true for me. And, it was even specific - I wanted to have the Willow dog there. That surprises me...she isn't my 'soul dog.'. She's softer, more comfortable and seems to support me in a way I've not experienced previously from a canine. I wanted Willow to take care of me.
Is that fair? Who knows... But, if I could have had anything in the world to help me cope with this situation that is what I would have wanted.
And, I guess that makes sense, doesn't it?
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Location:30,000+ feet
